& then she realized he was all she ever wanted.

I stopped blogging cos Alan & I got back together.
He’s at Riverside for the weekend.
Maybe I’m just overreacting, but I commented him telling him to message me with a way to reach him cos you know I wanna talk to him and stuff, but uhmmmm I didnt get no comment back =/  Eh, whatever.

I am so in love with him it’s crazy.  But it sucks that I can’t tell him how badly I wanna spend the rest of my life with him.  But I do, oh yes I do.
& I know he loves me too.  I saw him prove it, & he didn’t ever know I was there (:

But I’m terrified because college has a lot of girls way prettier and less annoying than I am.  Then why don’t I change those undesirable qualities, you ask?  Well, cos this is who I am & I’m not restraining myself because… I just won’t.

So uhm I’m in the Academic Decathlon & basically what that means is I stay after school from 3:30 to 5:30 from Monday to Thursday, until 8:00 on Fridays, and from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm on Saturdays.  My team is growing as a family.

Today we got bored to reading fucking Charles Darwin’s stupid fucking diary & so Darius & I were just having a conversation.  It was interesting, I got to know him a lot.  He even walked me to the library even though he lived like a block from school.  It was just very interesting how our stories run parallel to each other.  His girlfriend is just like my boyfriend, & basically we have the same problem.  Very interesting.

If you can’t take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid.

Today, Mr. Chase asked me something.  Pointless.

Chase: “Ok so this is gonna be like your first impromptu speech.  Imma name three guys and you tell me who you would most enjoy spending a saturday with and your reasons why: [boy who will remain unnamed], Alan, or Anton?”
Kyra: “Aww man you had to throw him (Alan) in there! …Of course I’d pick Alan!
Chase: “Ok why?”
Kyra: “Well because the other two are know-it-alls!  I’m comfortable with Alan.  He never makes me feel stupid when I don’t know something.”

Really? Yeah but thass not even half of it.  I just really love spending time with him, even if we’re not doing anything.  Just sitting there together, it’s satisfying, it feels good.  He’s my best friend.

I woke up with a very funny image in my head.

Alan with a giant smile on his face jumping with his thumbs up.  Is that someway of telling me “Everything will be alright?”  Damn that sounds so emo haha.  But really, that image was funny.

In addition he looked really good also.  I mean, I wouldnt go so far as to claim he’s “hot,” just a little handsome, is all

He probably won’t like that I cut my hair?  Does it matter? Not really. I mean, of course it’s important that he still thinks I’m pretty.  But other guys could take a look too, if they want.  I’m not limiting myself to one mediocre person, shoot.

I love him.  I miss him.  A lot.  A lot.

I’ve gotta learn to keep my mouth shut.  It’s gotta be restrained;  It ruins everything.

Leona Lewis’s ‘Bleeding Love’ is overrated, STFU kids.

I’ve gotten to the point where I would rather cry than be happy. He walked right past me today. Intentional or not, it hurt like a bitch. Actually, I don’t know if it actually hurt or if it hurt because I made it hurt. Like I think I thought about it so deeply so it would hurt me. I think that’s where I’m at and that’s not healthy at all. Im confidently happy one minute, and the next I’m back into my deep well of pain. Like Im just pretending to happy. But not really …? I actually don’t know anymore. I can’t wait to get through this. I think the first step is admitting that there is something amiss. No repressing it, no denying it. I have to actually come to terms with the fact that this situation has left my heart broken into a million pieces. Sometimes I think that the more I say “I’m happy” eventually I’ll be convinced that it is such and I actually will be content. But that’s not the case because it only leaves me with temporary satisfaction.

Step 1: Admitting I am Heartbroken.

Step 2: Talk about it.

I’ve done too much of that in the past three months, really I dont think I’ve said all I’ve got either.

Step 3: Learning to be happy on my own?

…Actually I think that singing will be the long awaited ventilation that I have been searching for. Im auditioning for Vocal Pro, & I hope I don’t suck. I hope my voice doesnt play against me on Monday. & if it goes well maybe I’ll ask around for bars who need singers. I mean, I dont think I can do that til I’m 18, but I’m sure somewhere out there there’s like a dinner place that needs a singer, right?

Step 4: Move on.

You know what I do? I talk to random guys hoping that maaayyybeeee I’ll like them. JUST MAYBE. You know, maybe they make good conversation. It never works. I can’t pretend to like a guy. As I’ve been told, I can’t go around looking for love, it’ll find me. That’s always what happened. I found Alan unexpectedly. UNEXPECTEDLY. It was perfect, but I can’t reminisce now, it’s anachronistic. (I am consciously using the word “anachronistic” wrong. What I mean is that it just doesnt match the general feel of this blog.) As much as I’d like to write this blog about all the good times and how infinitely sweet my baby was, I can’t. I dont want to say that I’ll make better memories with a better man. Because then it would pain me to even think about him making better memories with another woman. (Notice how I didnt say “better woman.” It’s that painful.)

He walked right past me today. I didnt notice he did until I saw him walking from 20 yards away.

I don’t make him sandwiches because I’m trying to win him back. That is the least of my concerns.